The New Indiana Jones Sucks (According to my Crystal Ball)

I'll be blunt: I have a gut feeling Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will eat ass. I've had this feeling for a while and it might have something do with how pissed off I was with the last three Star Wars films. I still can't believe how many people were willing to praise Lucas for Revenge of the Sith -- I had to go see this movie 2X just to make sure it was as awful as I thought it was the first time I saw it. Granted, in comparison to The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones it did feel like a masterpiece, but by this same sad logic you could hypothesize Death Proof was Tarantino's best film...if it was the only film he'd ever made. But let's be honest, DP sucked and was concrete proof Tarantino needs to be bitch slapped across the face to wake him up from his pathetic delusion he is the coolest guy on the planet. He's not. He's a clown. He's got talent, but it has taken a back seat to his over inflated and fragile ego. Back to Lucas...he too has a bad case of oversized ego and the last 3 installments of Star Wars were proof of it. How so? Well...anyone who believed I would be captivated by a 6 hour videotape epic of wooden actors spewing non-stop exposition in front of green screens must not only love the smell of their own feces but they probably wear it as cologne.  So if we truly want to believe the new Indy isn't going to suck, then we have to disregard Lucas' ego and its ability to poison this project. Unfortunately, I cannot do this. You know the saying "once bitten, twice shy?" Well thanks to the new Star Wars movies, its more like "once bitten, twice burned and stupid for getting suckered a third time."  But, as they also say, a sucker is born every minute.

Jaded, bitter and angry or not, I've religiously watched every KotCS trailer as they were tossed out like scraps of meat to a hungry mob. While they pale in comparison to the Dark Knight and Iron Man trailers, they aren't painfully wretched. Yet, despite having the patented Indy components all neatly lined up for consumption, a few things stuck out that gave me pause for concern.

First and most worrisome is Shia LeBouf. When I first heard he was signed on to the project I groaned. It's not that I don't like Shia, I just don't like his one note schtick, the aw shucks zeal, coupled with his inquisitive whineyness. Based on a few readings it seemed Lucas and Spielberg loved this kid and were convinced of him becoming the next Tom Hanks. Whether he is or he isn't Hanks, he will never have Bachelor Party in his list of credits.The latest trailer of KotCS convinced me my Shia hunch was dead on. In it, his dramatic grand entrance on a motor bike (decked out in duds identical to Marlon Brando's Johnny in The Wild One) was laughable. Throughout the rest of the trailer, it seems Shia never gets out of these duds and, coupled with his patchy peach fuzz facial hair, he looks comically out of place...unless of course the place he's in is also a joke.

Secondly, Cate Blanchett. In most films I've seen her in, I like Cate. My big  exception was her over-the-top mimicry of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. I'm still shocked at how many people thought she was brilliant in the role -- is there something about impersonations that makes people think they're witness to an acting spectacle?  If impersonating someone truly was worthy of an Oscar then why isn't Rich Little mentioned alongside Olivier?  Personally, I preferred Catherine O'Hara's Hepburn from her SCTV days. Even though O'Hara was purposely putting on an airy Hepburn for laughs, it felt far more realistic than Blanchett's. 

In KotCS Blanchett plays a very cliché femiNazi, complete with chopped, black bangs, jackboots and pant suits - an incredibly tired cartoon archetype. Yes, we're talking about Indy here so archetypes are acceptable, but Blanchett's pitiful German Russian accent is not.  Then again, if she's modeling her performance after Natasha Fatale from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, then she's spot on.

Lastly, the CG and special FX. If the trailer is any indication, Spielberg and Lucas were compelled to cram pack this movie with elaborate set pieces, excessive stunts, wall-to-wall CG and non-stop action. In other words, too much of everything -- the usual Hollywood substitute for good, old fashioned storytelling. The last 3 Star Wars films were perfect examples of Lucas having too much money, too much ego and too few honest people around to tell him he's fucking up a good thing, so why would a new Indy be any different? It probably won't be, but despite being wiser, I'm still a sucker...and I will shell out my $12 to go see the new Indiana Jones. If these billionaire filmmakers really wanted to get back to making great films they might want to consider hiring someone honest, someone like me, someone who likes the word "no" as much as the word "yes." I won't hold my breath.

So there it is, my preview review of a movie I haven't even seen but anxiously await to be disappointed by.