THIS NIPS FOR YOU

THIS NIPS FOR YOU

Was that J Lo’s nipple sticking out at the Oscars?  Well not sticking out, but I think there was a hint of areola.  Did you see Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction several years ago at the Super Bowl?  Is it true that Beyonce was seen breastfeeding her new baby in public a week ago?

It is just outrageous how women are flaunting their nipples these days.  Don’t they realize what that does to us men?  When Janet Jackson had her nip slip I got so excited I missed the second half of the Super Bowl GoDaddy.com commercial.  I had to force my wife to have sex.  Not my fault, I just saw a nip for a fraction of a second.  How could I be expected to control my urges? 

I understand that nine months after that halftime faux pas there was a birth explosion.  Blame it on Janet Jackson's nip.

Now I am pretty sure J Lo showed some Oscar nip.  I put the video on slow-mo, stopped it, and zoomed in.  I really think I saw some nippage.  What was she thinking?  Kids stay up late for the Oscars.  This nipple image will probably scar many of them for life.

The final straw has got to be Beyonce’s breastfeeding.  IN PUBLIC!!  FOR ALL TO SEE!!  Is there anything more sexually arousing than a mother breastfeeding her infant?  Come on now.  We are talking boobs and sucking.  There must be a law.

When I go to the beach and see bikini strutting ladies with every part of their boobs but the nip hanging out I barely notice.  The string thong bottoms which expose both butt cheeks and the silhouette of their cooch is perfectly acceptable.  These beach bunnies are all but naked, but they do not show any nip.

Nipples drive men insane, they must never be exposed!  The old burlesque shows knew this.  Burlesque dancers always had pasties and tassels covering their nips.  All female entertainers should be required to wear pasties at all times on stage so in case of a wardrobe malfunction they will still be covered.  Breastfeeding must never be performed in the presence of a male, it is just not possible to assure that the baby will not let go and expose a nipple…and we will be watching.

Exposed nipples have started wars, stock market crashes, and stampedes.  We must assure these nipple baring accidents never happen again.  The future of our young men…in fact the future of this great country is at stake.

We need laws and these laws need to be strictly enforced.  We must end this disgraceful and dangerous exposure once and for all.

We must nip it in the bud!